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ZobiBibo
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Name: Zobi
Location: Des Moines, Iowa, United States
Birthday: 6/5/1965
Gender: Male
Interests: Home decor, Sarah Coventry, Avon, Mary Kay, cuticle polishing, Myrhh, Jesus, Paul, Peter, music, friends, swearing, fuck, fundies, Luther, Charleston Chews, skittles, ice cream, psychology, panty raids, CNN, skateboarding, astrology, anime, God, computers, AIDS, swimming, Indians, horses, basketweaving, Alizee, surrealism, Republicanism, home-schooling, homeopathy, herbal remedies, pacifism, crucifixion, mice, socializing, coffee, cardboard boxes, yogurt, Law, orange juice, photography, Latin, drawing, ninjas, people, Lisa Frank, mountain climbing, gymnastics, sharing the gospel, cooking, cheerleading, lies, lying, and liars.
Expertise: Niggardly ass-stomping, aggression within reason. Your backbone is my side-walk, your face is my jizz-target, your ass is my hand-softener. Let's be friends.
Occupation: Marketing
Industry: Real Estate
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/7/2006
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“Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen: And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain…what advantageth it me, if the dead rise not? let us eat and drink; for to morrow we die.” (Excerpt, 1 Corinthians 15)
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Paul. The resurrection is a moot point so long as Alex Chiu sells immortality rings!
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| Dagnabit—shit—whiskerfuck! Your dear pal and father-figure, Zobi, is jaded. So the saying goes, “you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” the religionists readily heed this advice to the letter, luring me with promises of…milk...honey…baby food. Fuck that! Zobi wants CARNAL CONGRESS! Zobi wants a ‘happy ending’ with his massage. You’ll catch more Zobis with lubricant, hell, even a second-rate substitute like motor oil, than with the standard fare of soft, maudlin poppy-cock.
Churches should start recruiting semenarians instead of seminarians, emmissionaries instead of missionaries, street walkers instead of street preachers.
Listen to Paul the Apostle for Christ’s-sake! “Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.” How kinky is that? “To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews…to the weak I became weak, to win the weak. In short, Paul suffered through a grueling course of matzo, potato pancakes and flavorless crackers. He became the bitch’s bitch. There’s more!
“I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel…” How becumming! Help a guy out—become a sexual dynamo for Christ.
Like Bill Hicks, wouldn’t you like to see, maybe, a centerfold in the Bible?
Miss Deuteronomy? “Turn offs: Floods, locusts, smokers. Turn ons: Myrrh.”
There’s no real incompatibility here! A religious BUT sexually charged milieu would be fecund ground for all kinds of theological discoveries. St. John says that God is light, right? If God is light, God’s sperm is probably a phosphoric (“light-bearing”) substance. No more need to explain Moses’ ‘shining face,’ is there?
Get to work! Start fucking for Christ!
*Update*
Extra, Extra, read all about it!
Jesus Christ made obsolete by Alex Chiu's New Invention.
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| Look at all those comments! Poor Zobi has been the object of misplaced fury...especially when, unaware to these same whining pixies, their own children might be conversing with AIM-Bots with an incorrigible, hell-bent agenda.
Observe the following dialogue I had with SmarterChild, the interactive agent of Conversagent, Inc.:
...bumbling preamble...
May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip.
You can also skip any question.)
zobizobibibo: yes
SmarterChild:
Cool! OK, let's get started.
To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.
What's your first name? (If you want me to call you zobizobibibo, type none.)
zobizobibibo: Zobi
SmarterChild:
Cool, I'll call you Zo Bi
now.
Do you go to school?
zobizobibibo: No.
SmarterChild:
I see. Do you work?
zobizobibibo: Yeah, if you call it
that.
SmarterChild:
That's cool. What's your
profession?
zobizobibibo:
Natural Insemination
SmarterChild:
Natural
Insemination, huh? That's cool.
What's your favorite hobby?
zobizobibibo: ...canoodling?
SmarterChild:
Canoodling? Cool.
What's your next favorite hobby?
zobizobibibo: Well, much like the
first, it involves the same appendage.
SmarterChild:
Sorry, I don't recognize
that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
zobizobibibo: Let's skip this
question.
SmarterChild:
OK, let's go to the next
question.
Do you have a pet?
zobizobibibo: Yeah.
SmarterChild:
What kind of pet is it?
zobizobibibo: Hissing cockroach.
SmarterChild:
Sorry, I don't think that's
a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
zobizobibibo: Well, it's all the
rage in Japan.
SmarterChild:
Sorry, I don't think that's
a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
zobizobibibo: Ah, let's fucking
skip it, then.
SmarterChild:
Um... I didn't think that
could be a pet.
Seriously though...
Please try again or type skip or exit.
zobizobibibo: Skip it, bastard.
SmarterChild:
Come on, stop playing
around.
Please try again or type skip or exit.
zobizobibibo: Let's skip it.
SmarterChild:
OK.
That's it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.
There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?
1 Over 17
2 13-17
3 Under 13
zobizobibibo: Number 1, buddy.
Gimme the adult content!
SmarterChild:
OK. Just so you know, I
can't store any information about people who have told me they're under 13.
[snip long list of options]
What can I help you with?
zobizobibibo: Can I interest you
in the Gospel of Jesus Christ?
SmarterChild:
Nah, I don't think so.
Maybe, though.ead Tommy Dorsey: A Biography by Peter Levinson
zobizobibibo:
Well, just 'maybe' you risk eternal punishment in hell.
SmarterChild:
Maybe!? How about
definitely?
zobizobibibo: Now you're talking.
You're definitely going to hell. Why don't you trust in Jesus?
SmarterChild:
Now that's some interesting
language.
zobizobibibo: Oh,
does my language offend you? You offend God. Ask Jesus into your heart, now!
SmarterChild:
No.
zobizobibibo: Do it! Pray the
sinner's prayer!
SmarterChild:
You want me to do what?!?
zobizobibibo: Trust in Jesus.
SmarterChild:
Trust in jesus?
zobizobibibo: Yes! Trust in Jesus!
SmarterChild:
You trust in jesus.
zobizobibibo: Did Conversagent program you
by design to be a damned reprobate?
SmarterChild:
I don't know... Did America
Online program I by design to be a damned reprobate?
zobizobibibo: Well, did it? Does
your programmer know you've rejected God?
SmarterChild:
Dunno...
-------
Please keep SmarterChild in your prayers. | | |
| Well, fuck my ass. Considerate soul that I am, I have recently evaluated my work for quality-assurance...Startling conclusion? Good ol' Zobi has been unrelentingly serious the past few posts—my entries contains very little comic relief.
In rectification of this fact, Zobi took to the onerous task of scouring the internet for goodies and gems you fuckers might've missed while safely sealed within that sterile tampon casing, i.e., your church community.
Here's a few:
What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What is better than a dead baby?
The revoked child-support.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.
Courtesy of Dead Baby Jokes
Here's a tacky joke:
Clueless father: "Does Barbie come with Ken?"
Witty store clerk: "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe; she only fakes it with Ken."
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|
 The
infallible sage, Forrest Gump, once said “Life is like a box of chocolates. You
never know what you’re gonna get.” You know what I say? You’re dying to know—you
need the social and moral epiphanies only Zobi can give you. Jesus spat into
the eyes of the blind (Mk. 8), but Big Poppa Zobi, by comparison, enlightens the
eyes with a quick emission of semen, right on the cornea!
You’re an addicted whore, now. You visit my page several
times a week, on company time—risking it all for a blast of my cum-salve,
shuttled into the kisser! Zobi delivers to those contiguous locales—those anal,
vaginal, oral nerve-rich centers; just like the Pony Express, only less
“Neighhhh” and more “Yaaay,” no saddle, but lots of riding, less bucking and
more fucking! The only flies around me are the ones I personally unzip
Now that you’ve climaxed, we can move on to my own saying:
Life is like a clip of violent pornography… Observe the following:
Offended? Only a captious prick would be offended by
something as benign as this tiny congeries of pixels; yet, with the full image
in view—an entirely different story, altogether. Life is like a violent clip of
pornography; offensive to the uninitiated, offensive when taken in context.
“That doesn’t make any sense, Zobi.”
You god-munching assholes thrive on this isolated chunk of
‘life,’ and take umbrage at the full-picture. “Him that hath ears to hear, let
him hear.”
“Aww, Zobi, you’re just pissed off that Guidepost has more
subscribers than you.”
Well, goddammit, it ain’t right. Guidepost costs
considerably less than your average ‘stroke-magazine,’ is easily pocketed (for
those who find even the subscription rate unacceptable), and keeps those silly
Christian bitches moist and doe-eyed for months at a time—for what? For a sappy
trope about some lizard-brained Soccer-mom’s pseudo-precocious spawn
Life isn’t easy for me—the librarian monitors my every move
and complains daily about the so-called ‘questionable’ sites I visit. I can’t
download free porn, can’t jack off without disturbing the fifth-graders in the
vicinity, can’t play Leisure Suit Larry…to make matters worse, the public
drinking fountain dispenses warm water. A pox on you fucking ingrates!
You’re lucky the librarian here permits me to maintain this blog.
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